i hate wyoming. the people here are horribly rude and stupid. I feel like i am in the twilight zone or something. i was struggling to pin point this ache in my heart, to give the hurting feeling a name, and i discovered that it is loneliness. I am lonely.

Turqouise is my new chocolate!

Yum! This weekend I discovered some new design blogs and also got to browse target while visiting south Dakota. I am so inspired this season! About three designers ago I was flat with ideas. This past trip, I could have dropped fifty k in fifty seconds! Some of my wants:

Domino: The decorating bible
Malm dresser okra
Target clear vase lamps
Pier 1 zahir storage bench
Pier 1 vintage champagne lamp

Wandering

It's like im waiting for someone to come find me and put me to use. There is nothing out here, it's limbo: not enough education or experience for this position or I'm qualified because they only require a high school education and be eighteen yrs or older. Really? There are so many things i could do, right? Architect, graphic designer, artist, children's book illustrator. But how do you begin? I feel like i am glued physically here and mentally too. Stuck. I don't understand how some moments things can seem so vast and unconquerable and then days later seem optimistic and endearing of an endeavor.

Second Child by Deborah Garrison

It is late. I am standing at the kitchen counter after dinner. I look out the window at the dark and suddenly, I think of you. My memory is traitorous. Sometimes I feel I have forgotten too much of you –

The feel of your arms as you held me.

What we whispered to each other on cold winter mornings.

The sound of your voice when you said you loved me.

Now and then, like now when the house is quiet and I am alone, they come without warning. Small things, odd details that no one but I could treasure. Tonight this: you laughing into my mouth as you were trying to kiss me.

A Married Woman

I woke up in a panic last night -- scared that one day, beyond my own will, I will want more. more of everything, more beauty, more desire, more of a husband and a house, more adrenaline, more affection.

this is all irrelevant. it is like when i am afraid my body will kill someone without my consent. there is probably a phobia for this.